the bottom line

after H had left on that cold winter evening, together with the sound of the door slamming shut S had expected a surge of relief. he had anticipated an intoxicating rush of freedom to wash over him, his lungs to have room to breathe again as the heavy burden of expectations was lifted from him -- that he no longer had to feel that he was being held accountable for his actions for reasons he couldn't agree with.

to his genuine surprise, he felt no such thing.

this was because - and it would have been obvious to any outside observer - such a pressure had never been placed on him by H; the quiet and calm man had never expected anything nor made claims of any kind. the part S had thought he had been forced to play had not been presented to him by H, nor their relationship, but by his own folly; it was S who had put the stress and the endless list of expectations on himself. this was partly due to the fact that he more or less assumed that that was how relationships worked and partly because he didn't have a clue as to how they actually did.

so when H hadn't come back after that evening, and the reality - that he wouldn't - started to dawn on him, S felt, to both his surprise and shock, not relief but a strong sense of loss, and also - which was probably much more difficult for him to process and accept - a feeling of dread, of finality; that a chance had been given and he had indeed fucked it up. as intelligent as he may had been, this was something he couldn't quite comprehend - how was it that when something that had put such a strain on him was now apparently over, he wasn't able to rejoice? how was it even possible that when that strange, foreign object in his space, a one he had not known how to deal with - the intimate, emotional relationship with H - that had suffocated him so and driven him almost mad was gone, he still felt he couldn't breathe?

it was upsetting not only because the distress was not gone but because it was possibly even stronger. it also had a different, undefined tone in it; his anxiety now held a twinge of guilt, and above all, remorse; a feeling he really wasn't accustomed to at all. therefore, S concluded to his great annoyance and disbelief, his deduction as to the reason for his restless state during the recent past had, no doubt, been wrong.

and that was disturbing.