it's my third day here in florida, and even if i am still in a somewhat transitional phase things feel rather fine overall. the last week in finland was pretty intense with all the packing and cleaning and organizing things and leaving farewells and all that; added to that the two long days of travel, first to paris and from there to orlando with an added bonus of almost missing the connecting flight in newark due to the delay in the first flight and my boyfriend almost passing out in the border control because of food poisoning - well, let's just say that i am quite content with just relaxing right now.
and what better place to do it really, we are staying at the in-laws in a what sounds (and quite frankly, is) like a somewhat strange place - an age-restricted community. my friend mentioned recently that florida is the stop before death given the large amount of pensioners you have around here, but i do see why they flock here and in this place in particular; the weather is lovely, there are palm trees and golf courses and everything is extremely clean and pretty and well-maintained. it does feel rather odd every now and then, having almost every person you come across with being 60 and over on those neverending streets of an US suburbia with the flags in the poles and all - but then again, there is everything you need here, and i can perfectly well see why people of that age would want to live here.
but like i said it is very relaxing, and in terms of running it's great too. before i came i was slightly nervous about it as i've heard the horror stories of non-existent pavements and excess of traffic and so on, but it is pretty calm here and about half of the vehicular traffic is actually done with golf carts, so i am more than fine. i like the openness of the landscape (well, golf courses) and the quirky detail of greeting every pedestrian you come across (there isn't that many to be honest).
i sleep well and already feel rested; but the fact that this kind of life where i don't have a fixed schedule is not for two weeks or a month or the length of a holiday at all but instead for quite a while ahead - that hasn't entirely sunk in yet. i am trying to let go of the pressure to do things constantly, and i think i am managing quite well at the moment - we will see how it goes once this new pace of life has gone on a bit longer. will i go mad? will i start climbing on walls once i have done away my sleep deprivation and properly refueled my energy levels? hard to say, but i am taking this all as a sort of an social experiment - i am in a situation in my life i have never been before in a place i haven't even been able to imagine - i would think there might be something to learn from this all.
golf, if nothing else.
my last run in finland
my first run in florida
enough said.
and when i suddenly no longer was what i had been before; when everything i had learnt to hold as my own, as myself, was no longer there - how could i have not been shaken by it?
i had been given these attributes, these characteristics and traits and colours, all these things - things i hadn't asked for, and at the time wasn't even sure if i should welcome or not. but then i got used to them, and i have to say i grew to like some of them as well - they were, after all, things i previously hadn't possessed, mostly good things, and maybe i was vain, and i wanted to think that i indeed was the way those things put me out to be.
but then they were taken away, just like that. as sudden and as unexpectedly as they had been planted on me, as quickly they were gone; only now i knew of them, i knew the pleasure they brought along; and i felt pain over losing them. even as they were never really there, and yet i felt a sense of loss; this genuinely surprised me. was it so then that i had became, or had wanted to become, all those things; and when i no longer was considered a representation of them, i had indeed lost something? or did i merely long for the recognition - was i still those things even if wasn't viewed in the light cast by them any more? and if that was the case, wasn't it then so that the loss wasn't mine at all? and if i wasn't those things, well, in that case i had never been, and the only thing gone was something that hadn't been mine to keep or lose in the first place.
and that's when i realized something fundamental - that it didn't matter at all, and that i shouldn't be sad. either i was those things, or i had became them, or i never had been. either the recognition was outside myself, in which case it was beyond my control; or then the recognition was in me, and it could never be taken away.
i changed my routines a bit today.
my normal run on a weekday morning is between 10 to 12 kilometres; i do this every day minus one. on the other day of the weekend i usually do my long run, and the other one is for yet another basic run or for a spinning class, depending on which day the long run takes place. in addition i practice ashtanga three or four times a week, and this is do in the evenings.
now, i am well aware that yoga practice is recommended to be done in the morning for various reasons, but i have never been really bothered by the evening practice - on the contrary, i am a bit stiff in the mornings so i have found it easier for me this way.
today, however, i broke the pattern a bit. i did a short run in the morning, about 5 kilometres, to warm up and went to the shala after that. i have to say i was not convinced, and i almost decided to go in the evening instead - i did a morning practice last saturday as well and i felt like a wooden plank - but i decided to give it a go after all.
as it turns out, the practice was a really good one. it was a very different thing, overall; i felt, in a way, much more aware of what i was doing and how things affected my body. and the really interesting thing is that even if i still was a little bit stiffer than normally (much less so than on saturday, though), the feeling the practice left me with can only be described as incredible. not that i wouldn't feel great after an evening practice, but this was different kind of amazing; perhaps it was the trace of serenity in it.
so it was a really good experience for me; and even if i most certainly won't switch my morning runs into morning practice, i think i will adopt it on my schedule every now and then - perhaps for the day of the week i am not running. either way, i'm glad to have reminded myself of this another fantastic way to start a day.
i would like to say that it's not you, it's me; but that wouldn't be entirely true.
of course there is fault in me as well, but let's face it - it takes two to ruin something so good what we once had. i'm not looking for the one to blame, i don't think there necessarily even is a particular reason as of why i need to take break from you; maybe it's the old cliché of growing apart from each other. who knows; who really even cares. the situation is such that we can no longer be together, and i am now going to be the one to make the decisive move.
in the beginning it was easy, so easy it was almost scary. i gave you everything i had, and i did so gladly; and you took my all, and also gave me so much in return. you took me to places and taught me things i never would have come across with had we not been together; and for this i will always be grateful to you. i learnt a lot about myself as well, touched my limits and pushed them further; i think it's safe to say that because of you i am lot of the things i am today. sometimes in my infatuation i went overboard - there were times when i defined myself through us, through you; that what you made me was all that had any importance. but you have to understand that it was all so new for me, new and exciting; and i was young.
but now, as time has passed, i have to face the fact that i am no longer the person i was then. i have changed; and when you use this as an accusation, as a reason for our failure, remember that i have changed partly because of you. of course i am no longer the same person; the one i was in the beginning hadn't walked with you for over ten years. it's a long time, over a third of my life; how could you expect that not to leave its mark? and if we're being completely honest here, you have changed too. you have become so serious, so demanding; you are asking me things i cannot give you, and have no interest in even trying because what i receive in return just doesn't make it up.
the thing is - and i know this might upset you - that i have met others. nothing serious, nothing solid; but others i am interested in getting to know better. in a way i can't if i am still with you; and even if this isn't the only reason for me walking out on us, it most certainly is one of them. but you can't really be mad about this - it's not like you wouldn't have anyone else. i've seen you, many times, and i've seen how you can be so much more better with them; how you can give them things you haven't given to me in a long time. it doesn't make me jealous or angry, not the slightest; it just makes me realize that we really should take some time apart.
who knows, maybe i will come back to you. maybe i will realize that you are the one for me, and any sacrifices i might have to make are worth it. i really can't say that for sure now; i am too close to you for that. maybe we can, in the future, redefine our relationship; maybe we can be together in a different way, with a new set of rules. who knows. right now all i do know is that i have to leave you so as not to start hating you; while there still is some affection left. so that i can leave the door ajar instead of slamming it shut and throwing the key away.
so goodbye, architecture; it has been great. thank you for everything.
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