simple

and when i suddenly no longer was what i had been before; when everything i had learnt to hold as my own, as myself, was no longer there - how could i have not been shaken by it?

i had been given these attributes, these characteristics and traits and colours, all these things - things i hadn't asked for, and at the time wasn't even sure if i should welcome or not. but then i got used to them, and i have to say i grew to like some of them as well - they were, after all, things i previously hadn't possessed, mostly good things, and maybe i was vain, and i wanted to think that i indeed was the way those things put me out to be.  

but then they were taken away, just like that. as sudden and as unexpectedly as they had been planted on me, as quickly they were gone; only now i knew of them, i knew the pleasure they brought along; and i felt pain over losing them. even as they were never really there, and yet i felt a sense of loss; this genuinely surprised me. was it so then that i had became, or had wanted to become, all those things; and when i no longer was considered a representation of them, i had indeed lost something? or did i merely long for the recognition - was i still those things even if wasn't viewed in the light cast by them any more? and if that was the case, wasn't it then so that the loss wasn't mine at all? and if i wasn't those things, well, in that case i had never been, and the only thing gone was something that hadn't been mine to keep or lose in the first place.

and that's when i realized something fundamental - that it didn't matter at all, and that i shouldn't be sad. either i was those things, or i had became them, or i never had been. either the recognition was outside myself, in which case it was beyond my control; or then the recognition was in me, and it could never be taken away.

morning person

i changed my routines a bit today. 

my normal run on a weekday morning is between 10  to 12 kilometres; i do this every day minus one. on the other day of the weekend i usually do my long run, and the other one is for yet another basic run or for a spinning class, depending on which day the long run takes place. in addition i practice ashtanga three or four times a week, and this is do in the evenings.

now, i am well aware that yoga practice is recommended to be done in the morning for various reasons, but i have never been really bothered by the evening practice - on the contrary, i am a bit stiff in the mornings so i have found it easier for me this way.

today, however, i broke the pattern a bit. i did a short run in the morning, about 5 kilometres, to warm up and went to the shala after that. i have to say i was not convinced, and i almost decided to go in the evening instead - i did a  morning practice last saturday as well and i felt like a wooden plank - but i decided to give it a go after all. 

as it turns out, the practice was a really good one.  it was a very different thing, overall;  i felt, in a way, much more aware of what i was doing and how things affected my body. and the really interesting thing is that even if i still was a little bit stiffer than normally (much less so than on saturday, though), the feeling the practice left me with can only be described as incredible. not that i wouldn't feel great after an evening practice, but this was different kind of amazing; perhaps it was the trace of serenity in it.

so it was a really good experience for me; and even if i most certainly won't switch my morning runs into morning practice, i think i will adopt it on my schedule every now and then - perhaps for the day of the week i am not running. either way, i'm glad to have reminded myself of this another fantastic way to start a day.

i think we should have a break

i would like to say that it's not you, it's me; but that wouldn't be entirely true.

of course there is fault in me as well, but let's face it - it takes two to ruin something so good what we once had. i'm not looking for the one to blame,  i don't think there necessarily even is a particular reason as of why i need to take break from you; maybe it's the old cliché of growing apart from each other. who knows; who really even cares. the situation is such that we can no longer be together, and i am now going to be the one to make the decisive move.

in the beginning it was easy, so easy it was almost scary. i gave you everything i had, and i did so gladly; and you took my all, and also gave me so much in return. you took me to places and taught me things i never would have come across with had we not been together; and for this i will always be grateful to you. i learnt a lot about myself as well, touched my limits and pushed them further; i think it's safe to say that because of you i am lot of the things i am today. sometimes in my infatuation i went overboard - there were times when i defined myself through us, through you; that what you made me was all that had any importance. but you have to understand that it was all so new for me, new and exciting; and i was young. 

but now, as time has passed, i have to face the fact that i am no longer the person i was then. i have changed; and when you use this as an accusation, as a reason for our failure, remember that i have changed partly because of you. of course i am no longer the same person; the one i was in the beginning hadn't walked with you for over ten years. it's a long time, over a third of my life; how could you expect that not to leave its mark? and if we're being completely honest here, you have changed too. you have become so serious, so demanding; you are asking me things i cannot give you, and have no interest in even trying because what i receive in return just doesn't make it up.

the thing is - and i know this might upset you - that i have met others. nothing serious, nothing solid; but others i am interested in getting to know better. in a way i can't if i am still with you; and even if this isn't the only reason for me walking out on us, it most certainly is one of them. but you can't really be mad about this - it's not like you wouldn't have anyone else. i've seen you, many times, and i've seen how you can be so much more better with them; how you can give them things you haven't given to me in a long time. it doesn't make me jealous or angry, not the slightest; it just makes me realize that we really should take some time apart.

who knows, maybe i will come back to you. maybe i will realize that you are the one for me, and any sacrifices i might have to make are worth it. i really can't say that for sure now; i am too close to you for that. maybe we can, in the future, redefine our relationship; maybe we can be together in a different way, with a new set of rules. who knows. right now all i do know is that i have to leave you so as not to start hating you; while there still is some affection left. so that i can leave the door ajar instead of slamming it shut and throwing the key away.

so goodbye, architecture; it has been great. thank you for everything. 

c-c-c-changes

to stick with what you have or what you know - it is more often than not easier than changing your situation. it can be anything - your habits, job, style, apartment, expectations, attitude, social relations, anything at all. the way you think things should be and how they shouldn't be, how you see yourself and how you are in reality; what you do and what you don't do. 

i guess it is both because of the familiarity of the existing conditions and the uncertainty that is brought about the new ones. sometimes you can't be sure if the change is for the better, even if you know that the current state of things isn't ideal either; but at least you know what you are dealing with. like eating in a chain restaurant; you know it's not that great but at least you know it won't make you vomit.  and sometimes the unsurprising mediocrity can be a good thing, too.

perhaps you tell yourself that you will see how it goes for a little while longer; that perhaps something will magically be different in the near future, even if you do nothing about it.  perhaps you are just so used to the way things are that you are not even asking any questions and just follow the path you once started on, not realizing that you yourself are not the same person any more and thus the way you are taking might not be the right one for you after all.

sometimes making the change might feel like a failure; or there might be a sense of embarrassment in the realization that you have been, if not wasting, at least unwisely spending your time. we are so stuck into our manners and tied into our own, fixed viewpoint that it is easy to get blinded by them and continue on a sort of an autopilot - only to possibly end up in a completely wrong destination. 

some people recognize the situations requiring a change better than others, just like there are people more brave and fast in terms of making the decisions as soon as the questions emerge. and of course sometimes, no matter how easy it is for you to change things, sometimes you change them to worse. 

but sometimes change for the sake of change can alone be a good thing; at least you will be in a new place, and maybe from there you will see something you didn't before.

i did it your way

and that he would exist only in the presence of someone else; be great and amazing when somebody said so, just as easily as he was unworthy and a failure if someone so deemed. in between R was nothing, less than nothing because even nothing is something, there is a thing in nothing; but he wasn't even that, he just wasn't there. 

but as soon as someone would come, anyone, it didn't matter really - as long as someone was there, in the same space, someone he could bounce from and validate himself; well that was enough. that was what made R alive, the only thing he needed in order to exist, and that was what made him. like the ground of an arid area he immersed the characteristics and attributes with a need of a man dying of thirst; it was like his life would have depended on them.

and in many ways, it did. 

so he just took them, the opinions and definitions of himself, as they were given to him by others and then adjusted himself accordingly to enforce the given traits. some of the ways he was described he might have liked and some of them he might have hated, had he been capable of giving them this kind of value; had he been able to have an opinion of his own. but he didn't so he just followed the lead; and that was good, and he was satisfied with it.

sum of things

i did my longest run in a while today on the treadmill, stopping the belt in 30 kilometres. i am quite satisfied with the state of things at the moment, it is three months to the marathon and this length, even if done with a relatively slow pace, didn't seem to trouble me that much.

like said before i haven't ran a marathon in two years now, and due to that my long runs have been somewhat sporadic and lacking any kind of long term plan. which is all fine and well, but now that i have the goal of 42 kilometres again i obviously need to make the long runs a rule instead of an exception. having prepared for a marathon seven times before i have some kind of idea how it feels, and with what kind of pace you can build up the kilometres; and it would definitely seem that for some reason, this time around it seems to be rather easy.

not that it has ever been that hard, or that arduous, to be honest - but now i feel my legs are stronger and that i recover faster. a part of this might to do with the fact that i haven't done this in a while,  and maybe my memory doesn't always serve me right, but i genuinely think there is a difference and the biggest cause for it is ashtanga. and it all makes sense, of course - ashtanga builds up strength, and regular stretching is never a bad thing  - but i think also on a mental level the regular yoga practice has made some kind of change. take today for example - running on a treadmill for almost three hours is not exactly exciting now is it; but i didn't mind at all, or get annoyed or frustrated. in other words, i was able to concentrate better and just be in that moment instead of thinking how much i still have ahead of me; a feeling very similar i get when i'm doing a long yoga practice.

it's hard to explain really, but it is kind of an acknowledgement that you will get where you're going eventually; and there is no need to rush it, it will come. so in a way i find the long runs and ashtanga practice very similar to each other, and the one benefits the other; and all in all, i really like this place i currently am with both of them.

letting go

M had felt it lately, more often than before; the undeniable and unquestionable feeling of slipping into something she probably shouldn't slip into, the slow but steady and - above all - unstoppable deterioration of the cornerstones of her mind.

it was in the afternoons when she just sat in front of the computer screen and couldn't do absolutely anything at all, even when the deadlines approached day by the day and the anxiety caused by the inevitable failure to meet them made her palms sweat and stuck her breath in her throat. it was in the random, brash and hostile thoughts that popped into her head completely unexpected, uninvited and frighting. it was in the shapeless rage that exploded inside of her for whatever mundane reasons and was directed to people around her, completely unaware and innocent of it --  the lady in front of her in the queue of the grocery shop, smelling like wet wool; or the young boy, hardly legal, who ate his gum too loudly behind her in a tram. it was also in the nights when she couldn't sleep because she was afraid of her dreams, and if she did she woke the neighbours up with her screams; and it was in the glazed look of her eyes that stared at her from the bathroom mirror when she leaned in to take a closer look at the person she had been turned into.

she didn't know what was worse - realizing with such clarity that she was quite likely going mad, or the general lack of interest that made her eerily indifferent towards this fact. when M had been five years old she had once almost drowned;  the feeling she had experienced then, the moment of acknowledgement that in the next second she would have to inhale the water - how in that very same second it had turned irrelevant and all fear had disappeared - that was how she felt now. she was about to fall into insanity as the water had been about to fill her lungs; only now there was now saving grip of her father, of anyone, to pull her to the surface. 

but there was no fear or resistance any more, either.

last word

during the about 14 months i've kept this blog up i have posted a lot of pictures taken during my runs. beautiful sunrises, misty mornings, sceneries of helsinki and sometimes of abroad, things you see only that time of the day. i have wanted to deliver some of the magic i get to experience every morning; the uniqueness that there is in the mornings, and the rush i get from running in it.

i have also, on several occasions, tried to put in words how important running is to me, and how much i enjoy it, and how i could not imagine ever giving it up. how it is no longer a hobby for me but something i consider a part of my personality - being a runner - and how it comes more like a reflex than a conscious effort. running is a default for me, and maybe i have been able to convey it, maybe not - but all that aside, maybe the picture below will be the final proof.

i mean really, running in this weather, in these absurd conditions and still managing to enjoy it - now that is dedication.

and it being the first day of the year i reckon that will be incredible in very many ways, well - it can only get better from here.