sleep now

being tired in a way sleep cannot help is maybe the worst thing, or one of the worst things at least. the kind of tiredness that makes it difficult to get out of bed even when you've had a good night's sleep; the kind of tiredness that makes it difficult to sleep.

and you wish that something would change but you don't quite know what that something could possible be, because in theory everything is fine. or maybe you do know, on some level, but it is so deep that you don't want to look at it, maybe because you are reluctant to find out what it actually is that is eating away your energy; maybe you are reluctant because part of you already knows. maybe it has all just got too heavy to bear, and that's why you feel drained, maybe the transformation of your youth and the idealism that comes along with it into something more sinister, more real, more responsible is what is dragging you down. 

there's a lot of maybes, that you know, but the problem is that none of them feels entirely feasible; and you don't have the energy to investigate the matter further.

and they say you are depressed, and that you should get help; but you can't agree with this because you are not tired all the time. there are moments just after waking up, and times when something makes you laugh a true, honest laugh; granted, that doesn't happen so often these days but it's not entirely gone yet, either. and sometimes, when it's really quiet, you close your eyes and then you don't feel tired, because it's then when you don't have to give anything and it's then when all those expectations are lifted from you; and you can just be, and you're not failing in it.

but eventually the noise starts again, and you have to open your eyes, and again you feel tired.