what does it say about you

some people sleep curled in a ball, in a position that echoes the nine months predating our birth. it is said to convey a personality of emotional, artistic and sensitive nature; perhaps these types of people still hold some kind of connection to our origins, whatever they may be. a starfish sleeps on his or her back, arms up around the pillow, open to the world and willing to bear the burden of listening and helping others. that's why they make good friends to anyone who is wise enough to notice them from the corner of the room -- starfish sleepers don't like being the center of attention. people sleeping on their stomachs, head turned to one side, are said to be freefallers -- so vital, so brash, so gregarious but also characterized by lack of tolerance towards extreme situations and impatience for criticism. these extroverts sleep as they live -- embrace it, arms open, ready for everything.


perhaps these patterns tell something about the sleeper's personality; perhaps not. if they did, what would it mean then if a person slept like life would have left the body? 


the first time K woke up in the night and saw J sleeping next to him he had, for a short, horrible second thought she was dead; so still and rigid her body had seemed. she slept on her back, always on her back; her long, thin arms resting on her sides, lightly touching the body, palms against the sheet. her legs were unbent, in harmony with the straightness that started from the very top of her head -- K expected, had he had the means to measure it, that the line her body created was in a perfect  90 degree angle with the edge of the mattress. her head was only slightly elevated due to the low pillow she liked to use, and in the dark, silent room it was next to impossible to see the rising and lowering of her flat chest. eventually you were able to see something that could have been the even rhythm of breathing, but at that point you couldn't be sure anymore whether you actually did see it or if it was just your tired eyes playing tricks on you.


no matter how long K stayed up looking at her, on that first night and on the many nights that followed, fighting the urge to fall asleep, she never moved. not even once. and she always, always woke up before him; K never saw her in that sleeping position in the early light of morning or the way she woke up; if she fidgeted or just plainly opened her eyes and breathed life into her being. he had tried, a few times, to stay up all night just to see if she changed positions or to witness the act of waking up; but like a spell cast on him he always fell asleep, sometimes just for a few minutes; but always for a time long enough so that the next time he opened his eyes, J was awake too and the morbid aura on her had vanished.


he once said to her, "you always sleep in the same position, you know."


she looked at him with her pale gray eyes. "do i?" there was no genuine interest in her voice; it was like the statement he had just made would have been something very obvious to her and that it slightly irritated her that he would have brought it up.


"it's weird. nobody sleeps always in the same position." suddenly this was very important for him; he needed her to say that she didn't.  that she too was a starfish, or a freefaller, or occasionally slept curled in a fetal position. that she too had something he could grasp.


"you just said i do." the even tone of her voice didn't waver.


K didn't know what to say anymore.


that evening he left.