die trying

i never had a dream profession. or any other goal for that matter to be something or have something -- children, for example, or be rich, or travel around the world or whatever it is that people want. which is not to say that i wouldn't be ambitious or put my heart into what i am doing; it's just that i have never really seen myself in any situation or position i have not yet been in. of course i have plans, and dreams and hopes like everybody else; of course i want certain things to happen. but the feeling of having or achieving something after which i could say that now i am content, i have met my dream, and everything else will follow - that feeling is foreign to me.

i became an architect mainly because i couldn't think of anything else i would like to do; but the decision to go for it  i made only few months before the time to apply for universities came. and i guess when i studied i felt quite passionate about it, and truly thought that it was a good choice and a correct one for me; but even then, as i think back about it now, being an architect wasn't something i saw myself in. and now, as time passes, this feeling of detachment doesn't; and i have to seriously entertain the possibility that i am not perhaps doing what i should be doing.

i suppose it comes down to that i don't know what i really want; but it starts to be rather obvious that i am not there yet. i don't know if i ever will be, to be honest; i seem to have the type of personality that i sometimes wonder whether it is in the realms of possibility for me to feel completely content.

but that shouldn't mean that i should stop trying, now does it?