always on my mind

even if he now knew by convincing evidence that M wasn't real, it was hard for him to stop talking to him or altogether ignore him. it wasn't like M would have intruded or forced his fabricated presence on him; no, on the contrary - it was him who always sought M out, him who picked up the phone and called, even when he knew that he was talking to himself. there were a few times he extended the time between contacting M -- days, even weeks -- but he always eventually did. but it was uncomfortable to push the boundaries of their relationship; every time after he called M after one of his silent treatments M would sound hurt and apprehensive -- of course M never said anything, he was too delicate in his manners for that, but he could feel M's scolding through the telephone line, and he would feel ashamed like a child caught doing something he shouldn't. 


and he couldn't have just ignored M -- it would have been too rude,  and he also didn't have the heart to tell M that he knew he wasn't real; that is, after all, the most horrible thing you can say to someone.