should have known better

of course, by now, she should have known better.

she should have known better not to be fooled into thinking that things can be simple, that there could be a time when reality wouldn't step in and walk all over your foolish dreams. she should have known, by now, that words born from the dark hours of the night don't carry the same weight in the light of day. that in fact they vanish like the night does, only the difference is that they don't return once the day is over. she should have known that if something seems too good to be true it most likely is exactly that; and she definitely should have known better than to fall for L.

it's not that she is old, but she is older, well older than L anyway; and she's been around enough to witness both first and second hand that sometimes young people do silly things. like for example kiss their best friends just because they can - and then follow that same friend home and cross borders that probably shouldn't be crossed, not with you best friend anyway. but she should have known this, because she was once young too, and young people are like that; they are beautiful and reckless and they don't yet understand what it means to play with someone's heart. it is all a game to them still, an exciting one at that; but the thing is, and she really should have known this by now, that when they are as amazing and gorgeous as L is, well, that makes the game a bit unfair to everyone else involved.

and she really, really should have known this. and in all honesty she probably did; it's just that she chose to forget.

instead she welcomed L's lips on her own, her thin fingers tangled in her hair; didn't push her away and laugh it off when it still was to be considered a possibility. she didn't say no when L climbed in her lap in the taxi and didn't ask her to leave her bed when she unassumingly followed her into it.

because of course she wanted L there; even if she knew what it meant.

and now, as the first rays of the sun are sneaking into the room from the creak between the curtains and her head is pounding even though she lies completely still in the bed that still smells like L, alone now -  she knows very well that things will never be the same between them, ever again. she knew that when she lay still and pretended to be asleep as L got up and tiptoed out of the room, out of the flat, god knows if out of her life. and with every second that passes and pushes last night further from her, she also knows that what ever she thought it to be worth to give in to her unrequited feelings for L was not, in fact, that. 

and this is what she should have known.