want to run

i signed up for my eighth marathon - marathon de paris, mere four months away in the beginning of april. 

it has been a few years since i ran one. if my memory doesn't completely fail me the latest one was in prague back in 2009, and i recall it being the least pleasurable out of the marathons i have run. i didn't train properly, and also didn't rest enough before the race; this resulted in a little bit arduous last few kilometres, and i very clearly remember the moment of realisation i experienced due to this - it was the first time that i actually understood that it is not always possible for a person to finish the 42 point something kilometres. even if i was by no means close to quitting, i do remember my legs feeling a bit... heavy.

that said, this experience has really nothing to do with the gap that followed. up until 2009 i had ran a marathon per year, in 2007 i ran two; so i guess i sort of just had enough of it for a while. i lack the competitive nature in the sense that i am not that interested in improving my time or anything like that; the marathons i have run are there because i like running. in other words, i don't run in order to be able to run a marathon; i have ran marathons just because i can, and that's enough for me. deep down (not even that deep, actually) i am a very lazy and disorganised person, and  the idea of following some kind of program or planned training schedule in order to get better results, well, that's just not going to happen. put a 'have to' in front of something and i don't like it any more; this is one of the faults in my character.

so i haven't ran marathons in a while because i was perhaps a bit bored with it; but now i feel like it has been long enough, and i want to experience the whole thing again. the excitement on the starting line, the excruciatingly slow start when you can't even run because of the masses surrounding you, the mock of the kilometre signs that say 2 or 4 or something small like that; the little buzz you get when you pass 30 and the moment sometime after that when you know in your bones that you are going to be able to do this. inevitably, breaking the magical 40 and enjoying the last two kilometres, pushing yourself as far as you can, to the very limit, running a bit faster than you would actually have strength for; and finally, crossing the finish line and getting that cheesy medal you have absolutely no use for but you still take it, and feeling rather good about yourself.

i want that, and this too; i want to train for it. run the long runs alone with my thoughts, my small weekly escapes from the reality of it all. i want to feel the high you can get from only running and from nothing else, want to feel how my legs work and lungs expand, how my heart beats and becomes a bit stronger with every step i take. i want to feel the freshness of the air and the freedom of being able to do this, of being healthy and strong and running wherever i want.

in other words, to put it short; i want to run.