spider webs

fill in the blanks for me, would you, because i can't seem to remember the whole story -- if any of it. i can't remember the exact route i took to get to where i am now, and i can't bring back the words i said to make myself believe that it was ok to do so.

it is all more or less a blur for me now, and when i try to make sense of the unfathomable maze of events and people and reasons it feels overwhelming to say the least; and to be completely honest the fear of what i might find in the core of it all starts to strip me of my motivation to try. 

all i know now is that i don't know anything any more, of what i wanted or needed or hoped for. i have realised that my reality is based on the expectation of how things were supposed to be and not how they actually are; and the gap between the two makes the ground i'm standing on very uneven. the constant search for balance causes my patience to wear thinner and thinner, and the frustration that has been building inside me starts to poke its needles through my skin until i feel like a hedgehog turned inside out.

but i don't know, maybe when i'm torn into shreds, when i'm so full of holes that you can see through me, like a spider web or a shattered glass, when i'm almost invisible; maybe then i'm light enough to see things clearly. perhaps when there is not enough left to contain the weight in me i can let it go; perhaps then this will all make sense.