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i practice ashtanga yoga on regular basis. even though it has become almost as important for me as running, it is rare that i write anything about it. i don't quite know why this is so; why something that has given me a lot and altered my view of things is something i don't have words for? i wanted to try to put some of my thoughts to words, so what follows is a bit lengthy and quite likely a bit uninteresting recap of my yoga history.

i began practicing yoga when i was doing my thesis, in the summer of 2008. it was a very intense time in my life work-wise; i sat in front of my laptop all day every day for about five months. there were actually only two days during those months that i didn't touch it at all, and i have to say that now when i'm looking back at it i honestly haven't got a clue how i managed to stay (relatively) sane. so there was definitely a need for some kind of distraction (even if i didn't necessarily feel like that at the time) and it was maybe partly because of that i decided to take a friend's advice and participated into a weekend course of ashtanga. i have to admit i was slightly hesitant as my mental  image of yoga was a bunch of hippies sitting in a room gently stretching and chanting ommmm; so it was a relief for me when the teacher said in the very beginning of the course the spiritual aspect of yoga should and would not be forced upon. that eventually it would come, through practice; of course i didn't believe this as i am not by any means very spiritual a person, but i was happy with the fact that i wouldn't have to pretend to be one either.

not only was i proved wrong in terms of the spiritual aspect, but the physical one surprised me as well -- ashtanga was much more challenging than i ever could have imagined yoga to be. i was intrigued, and continued practicing several times a week throughout the summer. later that year, after finishing the thesis, i moved to hungary and from there to czech republic; during those years i lived abroad i did yoga every now and then, but the intensity was mostly gone. i practiced mainly because i found it to be a good balance for running (i hate stretching and never do it), but it was never something i felt very passionate about.

this slowly changed when i moved back to finland and went back to the shala. i started practicing regularly and started to notice some changes; it was interesting to witness how my flexibility and strength increased. i felt i was progressing, and around this time i think i went a bit astray; yoga had become something to be accomplished, and i sometimes felt angry or disappointed if i felt the practice hadn't gone well enough.

but slowly, through the small clicks in my thinking linked to the clicks in my physique i started to experience when practicing, i begun to see the whole thing differently. it dawned on me -- and i know this sounds self-evident, but i have the type of personality that easily slips into this kind of thinking -- that i will never be finished, or done, or have perfected any asana. i can practice yoga every day for the rest of my life, and the first asana of the primary series will still give me something new, there still is something unattainable left in it. this is a wonderful thought, at least for me, and it takes away most of the need to accomplish.

another important realization for me was that it doesn't always have to feel great to do yoga.  i recently read an  interesting article where the presence of negative emotions was explained in a way that felt really familiar; and with this in mind it is easier for me to accept these kind of experiences as well. i would have not said this a year ago, but i believe this now; when you practice yoga you can access your feelings and emotions in a new and different way; and as the locks of your body open so do the locks of your mind. this is something i now know to be true even if i lack the language to describe how it feels, and even if it doesn't always make sense to me i have full trust in it. perhaps this is how it would feel to be religious?

all in all it has happened so as my first yoga teacher told me. the spiritual aspect of yoga comes through practice; like many other things in life, it cannot happen until it does.  i still don't consider myself a spiritual person, but i now accept that the physical practice has perhaps opened some things in my mind and taught me to see certain things differently.  this is absolutely fascinating, but i also understand that this is something that cannot be rushed, or willed; not that i would necessarily even want to. i am only in the very beginning of trying to understand the dimension of yoga outside the physical one; but the difference between now and when i started practicing is that now i am actually intrigued, and this is only because of the experiences and thoughts i have had through practice. i had to see to believe; and now i would like to see more.

and still, the truth of the matter is that i will never be a serene yogi who gives up reality and moves to india. there might even be times in the future that i will stray further from regular practice; but i doubt i will never give it up completely, as long as it is up to me. but if yoga has taught me something -- and it certainly has -- it is that the connection between our mind and body is much more complex than i can even begin to imagine, and learning that connection might just be one of the most fascinating things to experience.