forget me not

for some time now G had had an annoying feeling that he had forgotten something. the feeling was very similar to the one you sometimes get when you are on your way to the airport and run through the checklist of absolutely necessary items in your head -- even when you know that if you forgot something when packing the odds are that you forgot it from the checklist as well, and the missing item will only come to you in some random situation when it is in every way imaginable too late to get to it. the feeling also had a hint of uncertainty in it, the type you experience when you go away for a weekend and on the first night start to wonder if you turned the stove off. you think you did, you are almost certain of it -- and yet there is that little gnawing what if. 

very similar to these feelings, the one he had been experiencing lately was quite a fragile one, the kind you can somewhat effortlessly silence and even forget about for a while; but yet it surfaces, every now and then, and when it does it does have the capability of making you a bit nervous and uneasy. 

so the feeling was there, it was not constant but it never really left; and as time passed G started to pay more and more attention to it whenever it did pop up. this was particularly so because it seemed that he had not, in fact, forgotten about anything at all -- there were no angry phone calls due to missing a deadline, no hurt feelings caused by anniversary or birthday passed unnoticed, nor were there one single entry in his calendar he would have not attended to as expected; all in all, it seemed that G was on top of his game when it came to time-management and taking care of things. this in turn pushed him into a state of nervous expectation, he was just waiting for the bomb to drop; perhaps he had forgotten something extremely big, something the passing of which would announce itself with a bang -- but nothing of the sort happened, and eventually he got used to the feeling and was able to live with it. 

but still he couldn't escape the fact that he felt something had been overlooked. it bothered him more and more, the feeling made itself aware at an increasing pace; and every time he acknowledged it it was stronger and more troubling. this was especially true as G had always thought of himself as the careful, diligent type of man; he had always taken pride of this, and this new kind of feeling of failing this essential characteristic of his nature stirred him quite a bit.
 as he couldn't for the life of him figure out what it was, he started to think that perhaps he was going mad, or had alzheimer's or something of the like; but a thorough discussion followed by a medical examination by his trusted doctor ruled out the likelihood of both physical and mental illnesses. 

so there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, and yet everything was.

G did what he could -- went on with his life as usual. took care of his work with the highest level of profession, was attentive and loving towards his spouse. he ate well and slept soundly, did his exercise and had the occasional night out with his friends -- and the feeling grew and grew and grew like it would have fed on his attempt of ignorance. perhaps it was so that this time of torment, struggling with the awareness of forgetting something, was required in order for him to remember; maybe it would have been impossible for G to arrive to the conclusion of his trial any sooner. it could also be that some reason or another he had chosen to close his eyes from the answer that was there in front of him all the time, and only when they were forced open by his unconscious mind that had grown sick of being in the dark that he finally saw it.

either way, when he realized what it was that had escaped his mind he had been plagued by the question for about three and a half years. it came to him on a tuesday morning, the most average and normal of all mornings when the trace of the rain from the night before was still lingering in the air and the upcoming meeting that was waiting for him later on the day was filling most of his thoughts. when he finally remembered what it was that he had forgotten it didn't come with a bang as he might have feared; it wasn't an epiphany even of the smallest kind. but it did make him stop in his tracks, right there in the middle of the pavement. as the case he had been carrying in his right hand fell to the ground and the line of his shoulders dropped, the sense of calm that spread throughout his whole being was almost too much for his skin to contain.

he had forgotten himself.