epilogue

sometimes, just as it can be too cold to snow, you can be too tired to give up.

so he tried. he did everything he could think of to make things work between them - pulling back, being there, loving him, hating him. giving him space, holding him down, anything he could think of. and still it always seemed that nothing was ever quite right, that something always triggered a tension or a fight. made him anxious. the good moments they shared slowly became contaminated by the bad.

in truth it must be said that S probably tried, too. but he couldn't pull it off, couldn't overcome his own obstacles and resentment and incapability for meaningful human relationships; couldn't control his too fast a mind and contain the anxiety caused by the situation he had placed himself in. he tried, for he needed H, really; but the restlessness grew, and even if he tried to tackle it, smother it, be better - because he wanted to care, he needed to care, but it suffocated him. he withered. and H watched him as he did, as he went through it all, and he didn't  know which would be more painful - never to have S or watch him suffer like he did.

so as hard as they may have both tried, eventually it became evident that it just wasn't enough.

what they had, what they were - it was beyond categorization as well as it was beyond possible.

so they parted.