you must

the recognition was there, most definitely. the recognition that something needed to be done, that things could and would not go on the way they were; that among the infinite number of parallel universes there was none in which the current state of things would have been allowed to ensue. and more than the recognition, there was the need; an actual physical and emotional burn to do something about the matter at hand.

and yet he couldn't. O wasn't able to trigger the necessary nerves in his system to make this happen, even when the acknowledgement of the required change was so strong that ignoring it had become next to impossible. he couldn't quite understand why this was so -- why, when he so clearly realised the sheer unacceptability of his situation he still could not bring himself to do anything about it?

it wasn't so that the issue would have been overwhelmingly big. sure, it would change his life on many levels, and of course he couldn't be entirely sure that all that would follow would be only for good -- perhaps, had it been so, he would have been able to push himself to action with little to no effort. but whatever the consequences might have been, there was no way his overall situation would have got worse. that alone should have, he knew, been enough of an incentive to make the necessary steps. 

but instead the issue just sat there, in the middle of his existence like a big prickly blob of stuff, and he had no idea as of how to approach it. ignoring it hadn't made it go away, not at all; if anything, it had just became more obvious that it was up to him and him alone to do something about it. on some level O had hoped that someone would have appeared out of nowhere, a deux es machina, and made the decision for him, showed him how to go about it; but no such saviour had emerged and slowly O had been forced to accept that it never would.

thinking about the matter further didn't really help, either, as there was no actual uncertainty whether he should or should not tackle the issue. O knew he should, that sooner or later he absolutely must -- the do or not to do had ceased to be a question a long time ago. but even as there were no options, none what so ever, he lacked either the courage or the strength or the knowledge to execute the inevitable; and so, O decided, the only thing to do was to wait a little bit longer.

perhaps the strength would emerge; perhaps the courage would present itself. perhaps, if he just rested a little bit longer, he would know again how to get out of bed that morning.

counterreaction

i don't remember the last time it would have rained so hard as it did this morning. i'm not usually deterred by water falling from the sky, sometimes i even enjoy running in it, but today the amount of downpour was such that for a while i actually ran back and forth under the setback of finlandia hall (it's a relatively long one so this wasn't quite as weird as it may sound, even though i readily admit that the city employee emptying  the trash bins gave me an odd look) until the rain became humane again. in terms of this morning that means that i was able to see and i didn't have to worry about my phone getting damaged.

but i had a very nice run all in all, and the fact that i was soaked to the bone didn't bother me all that much. so even if it's monday, i didn't sleep all that well, it's raining cats and dogs -- i still feel rather fine; go figure why. 

(you guessed it -- i did not take this picture today)

bit by bit

i had a very good run this morning. the weather was really nice -- it had rained during the night so the air was humid but it wasn't windy or cold; if there is something i adore it is these lukewarm, still, autumn mornings when the sea looks like it is still sleeping and the darkness around you is not oppressing but rather protective.  added to that the lightness of feet and the ease of the run made it quite a nice way to start to day.

as i was approaching home a woman sprinted past me, heading towards the same direction as i was. now, it's not to say that i am a fast runner, or that i never get ran past -- it just doesn't happen very often (mostly because the amount of runners in the time i run is somewhat low) and it does sometimes awake a slight competitive spirit in me. so as she was running a bit faster than me,  i decided to speed up my pace as well and  kept up with her for a while and eventually ran past her. as i was on her side she made a fake spurt as if to start racing; i must have had a surprised look on my face as in the next second she laughed it off and said she was merely joking. we continued running side by side for the rest of the run -- it just so happens that she lives in the same building as i -- and had a nonchalant discussion about the conditions that morning and running in general.

for some reason this unexpected, good-humoured, short exchange left me with a good feeling for the rest of the day; perhaps it served as a welcomed reminder that it really can be the smallest of things on which a good day is built.

it's OK

acceptance doesn't mean that things are OK. it doesn't mean that H is fine with what has happened, and it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt anymore. the pain has become dull instead of sharp, and even if the knowledge will never leave him, he doesn't think about S constantly anymore.

S no longer dies in his dreams every night.

what acceptance means, and this really is the best he can hope for, is that he has come to terms with reality. he has learnt how to live with it, how to deal with it so that it doesn't paralyze him anymore. it means that the number of good days exceeds the number of bad days, and it means that he can now live again. that breathing doesn't require conscious effort. it is not always easy, but these days he manages.

it has been two years and seven months since S walked in front of a truck; and tomorrow H will be wed to the woman who pulled him out from the darkness that his death pushed him into.

life goes on; and so must he.

even if there are things that were never said.

a year from now

about a year ago i was asked to write down things that i would want to happen in the course of the following year. in another words, which things did i need or want to happen in order for my happiness to increase and my life go into the direction i would prefer it to.

now that i think about that list, some of the things on it have happened; some of them haven't. some of them have been in my control more than others, and i find it quite puzzling that not all of these things have manifested themselves. it does make you wonder -- did i not really want these things, just thought i did, or were there something prohibiting me from actualizing them? or was i just lazy? hard to tell, and of course there is no one answer to this question. but it is good to think about it.

then there are the things that i necessarily haven't been able to influence; the failure to meet these serves as a reminder that there are things beyond my control and i shouldn't be too disappointed if they don't take place. and in all honesty i'm not; maybe i'll just move these on my list for next year.

one of the results of the list of things is this blog; and i have to say that i am quite happy with myself for keeping up with it. it has provided me a channel to process some of the things that come to mind every now and then, as well as a platform where i can freely write down the brain junk that otherwise wouldn't  have an outlet. i don't know what is the interest value of all this to anybody else, but for me it has been quite a nice experience; a one i will add to the list of things to have around next year this time.

but as a notion, i would definitely recommend to anyone to draw up a list like that; it forces you to look at your life as it is now and compare it to how you would want it to be. you have a year to close the gap between the two; a lot can happen in that time.