free fall

S went to paris in her twenties; on the verge of real life but not quite there yet. a year off from university, one last free fall of freedom before the final stretch leading to a graduation and then a job, something steady but not too stressful, and maybe she would marry within a few years too. and it was all right, really, because she was almost a grown-up now, an adult; and even if the word tasted foreign in her mouth and made her feel slightly unsure, it still appeared to be the route things were taking and surely she would get used to it. that's what everybody else seemed to be doing at least, or wanted to - not all of her girlfriends were fortunate enough to have a proper suitor in their sights, and they were often sure to remind S how well she had it.

"you should marry while time hasn't touched you yet, when you still have your youth and your face is fresh; it won't last forever, you know."

that's what they said, most of them at least, and of course she knew this as well; and probably it was a good idea. she knew V wanted to marry her, and the only reason he hadn't asked her yet was because she had wanted to finish university first. and why wouldn't she marry him? he was a good, solid man, and if he sometimes was a bit too stern or slightly insensitive, did it really matter so much? if he sometimes raised his voice because S did something he didn't agree with, or expected things from her she wasn't entirely sure she even wanted to deliver, wasn't that what relationships were about? he was a trustworthy man, and S knew he cared for her deeply, and would keep her safe; so in an overall scale of things what they were was a good thing. win some, lose some; relationship was always a compromise.

and yet she felt she had wanted to take this one last year, twelve months on her own before life would be cast into the mold it would finally settle. an exchange student year, she had argued, will be good for my resume, and it will teach me a foreign language which will surely be appreciated by a future employer. partly to her surprise V had agreed with the condition that she would stay in the student dormitory, and that she would never ever walk the streets alone at night. S had readily agreed and it was a lucky coincidence that V hadn't caught her rolling her eyes.

but she had been free to go, and out of all the cities available she chose paris. of course - wasn't paris the city of art, of passion and excitement? wasn't paris where the young and the brave pilgrimaged to, where souls tormented by their yet unformed art came to find their release? S had never been there but she had a strong idea what it would be like, and even if she on some level was aware of the fact that it wouldn't be like she had seen on TV all the time it would still be paris, and it would be magical. she wanted to climb the eiffel tower and sit on the stairs of sacre coeur at sunset, walk the streets of montmartre and gaze into the eyes of mona lisa in the high halls of the louvre. she would get drunk on cheap wine and visit the grave of jim morrison even if she had never listened to the doors, and she would be happy and intoxicated with life. 

because that is what you do when you are young, isn't it, get reckless and not worry about the consequences. and in the midst of it all, while being young and silly and care-fee, maybe something happens, something you didn't expect at all, something negative even - maybe you get your bag stolen, or perhaps there will be riots in the suburbs and it's not safe to go there - but nothing truly bad. it's not like you're going to get hit by a car and be paralyzed from waist down, or choke on your own vomit because you did the wrong types of drugs. that doesn't happen to you because it just doesn't, sometimes you read about stuff like that from the papers but it always happens to someone else, someone you don't know and whose faith moves you only as long as it takes you to read the words describing it. when you're young absolutely nothing touches you, and maybe that is the reason why you are still young; because when something finally does touch you it forces you to realize that there is no such thing as being invincible, and only then you truly understand what it means to age.

but S, she was still young, and paris was waiting for her. and if she secretly hoped that something would take place during her year away, something that would force her to re-evaluate her life, none of the possible scenarios running through her head came even close to what would eventually end up happening. that K would enter her life like she was about to, take apart everything S had thought she knew about anything at all without really even trying, and then leave her so suddenly to try to sort it out somehow. that it would be even possible for S to fall for someone as she would fall for K, her raspy laughter and bony shoulders, and all the things that would follow from that infatuation - none of these things S was able to even begin to imagine.

but it would all happen, everything was already on its was, and by the end of it S would not be so young any more. and maybe it wasn't the way she would have preferred it to happen, but we all must grow up some day, and K was what growing up would come to mean for S.