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there are mornings when waking up at 5.20 am feels slightly more difficult than on others. reasons can vary, but it is usually to do with either being more tired than usual, or the weather being horrible; in some cases, the combination of the two. today it was the former, i was for some reason extremely tired and surfacing from sleep felt as if trying to swim in a sea made of tar when someone the size of a blue whale is clinging on to you.

so it was not easy. this sometimes happens, so you do know in the back of your head that it does get easy the second you are out of bed; but there are those few minutes between the alarm going off and the act of physically getting  up that can sometimes pose a difficulty. but even so, and i realised this particularly clear today, the option of not getting up and going for a run and instead sleeping some more doesn't enter my mind. it doesn't because it isn't an option, and i am not quite sure when it stopped being one.

i find this rather interesting. especially so because later, when i am already up and equipped with relatively normal brain functions, i sometimes think why i bother getting up when most people are still asleep; why i day after day get out in the dark when i absolutely wouldn't have to, when i could be sleeping as well. i might even think that i should have just stayed in bed. but in the haze of half asleep and half awake, when you would think that this kind of thought would have the most standing ground, i don't think like this; it simply doesn't occur to my half-awake mind that in theory i could choose not to get up and go as well. 

i am extremely happy about it, of course, to be hard-wired like this; but i still sometimes wonder why it is so.  is it because i have been doing it for so long that it has become automated, or is it because of my obsessive nature; or is it because that not even once, even after the most tired of mornings or the most dreadful of runs, not ever have i been sorry that i went.