bored

if there is something B is good at it's wasting time. it's maybe because his attention span is often quite short; not that he couldn't get into something and dwell in it for hours, forget to eat and drink and sleep, because he can - it's just that these days this kind of devotion seems to avoid him, B feels uninspired perhaps, and he is left with the concentration abilities of a goldfish. more often than not B is easily distracted and then frustrated by his own failure to focus, which then only feeds the inability to do so.

so what he ends up doing, because his time is divided into these small fractions, is that he does random things with them, and he does them over and over again in rotation, almost compulsive in his franticness to move on to he next thing. sometimes it feels he is looking for an excuse to be distracted, to do something else, anything at all, as long as he doesn't have to keep doing what he is doing. which is strange because B likes the things he has going on; he just gets bored. so fast actually that it is starting to be a problem - people walking slower than him on the street and blocking the pavement annoy B, just like do words (often his own) that come out too slow; and an activity lasting longer than six minutes feels like time would stand still. this then means he does things only for a short time until he switches to something else, which makes it a lot more difficult to accomplish anything sensible.

this, obviously, is not a good thing; and this is why B feels he is wasting his time.

he doesn't quite know where this lack of focus comes from, and why does it apply only to certain areas of his existence. maybe it's because he lacks a clear goal in terms of what he is doing with his life, and this is somewhat confusing for someone so used to having a defined structure. maybe he has too many options, or maybe he doesn't have enough; maybe he is locked down by his own thoughts and ideas of how things should be and how matters should progress. there is not a balance at the moment concerning where he is and where he would want to be - not that he can exactly define either one of these.

and, of course, he could try to think about it, get into the core of the issue; but when he does it often happens that he gets bored with it, and does something else instead.