excerpt

what was the word for someone who you used to love more than you had loved anyone, for whom you would have done anything, everything; for someone who you had thought you'd grow old with, hold their hand on their death bed or maybe they would hold yours, who knows who would go first.  what was the word for someone like that? what string of letters could encompass the love you once had as well as the fear that had gripped your heart when you realized they were drifting away from you? the pain you felt when it became clear that they couldn't find their way back, even if they had wanted to? and the anger that inevitably followed, the guilt as well as the accusations, and the distraught brought about by still loving someone - or rather, the person they had been - and hating them at the same time?

there was no such word, N decided there in the sick yellow light of the street lamp, inhaling the sharp night surrounding him. no such word because there was no definition, no way of simplifying such an excess of human emotions into a handful of letters; and that was maybe part of the confusion he experienced when he looked at S now. most certainly he didn't love her any more, or hate for that matter; but all of that had once been there, and the memory of the emotions was too strong to be overlooked, and he didn't have a word for it all.


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