i suppose

there's so many things in this world that you are supposed to (and not supposed to) do. the rules and standards set by not only the society we live in but also by the people and conditions we are surrounded with all place their own assumptions and starting points. trying to live up to these, and especially the bar you set for yourself according to them, i think, is one of the crafters of the so-called reality that sometimes smacks you in the face. you know, that moment when you feel like you have gone wrong somewhere and you start to question what the hell are you actually doing in the situation you have got yourself into to, and why did you get there.

of course one could say not to care about these external, societal or otherwise learnt codes of conduct; but that's not really how it works; you can't exist outside your own framework. things we do define what we are -- but why do we do the things we do?

why does anybody do anything? what's the incentive? i don't believe in pure altruism; therefore i think we always do things because we think we have to or because we think we want to. one way or another, there is always something in it for you -- even a charity worker is driven by the pleasure he or she gets out from helping someone else. but there are times when the expectation of what you are supposed to do or how you are supposed to be blurs your vision so that it  misleads you into thinking that you are doing what you need to or what you want to, when in the actual fact you are doing neither.

and that is a problematic spot to be in. for in order for you to get out from it you first have to realize you're in it; and for you to realize you're in it, you have to understand that you were never supposed to be anything at all.