2012-08-29

words are all i have

it was not so that F would have not wanted to talk. he had no particular desire to hide his opinions from the world, or to shy away from a conversation; there also were no odd principals or manners lodged in the back of his head that would have prohibited him from partaking in a debate or sharing his views when asked about them.

it was merely so that he did not have the words to do so. when engaged in a conversation -- often against his will -- inside his head formed a void more silent than the space that encloses the planet. a quietness so complete that any disturbance, be it in the form of a general question or an inquiry of his opinion, was swallowed into it on the second the sound waves reached the insides of his head. F did not know how it felt to have something to say as nothing had ever evoked a response in him, and it sometimes puzzled him whether this incapability to form meaningful words and sentences meant that he was slightly stupid. it must be said the he probably wasn't, at least when measured on the traditional standards -- it was this complete lack of words that sealed his lips, not the lack of activity in his brain.

perhaps it was so that he wasn't interested in the topics, or the people discussing the topics. maybe he was shy, or afraid he would say something stupid, or maybe it was something else entirely; but whatever the reason was, it was not conscious and F was most certainly not aware of it. the only thing he was aware of was the thought that rotated in his head like a hamster in a cage every time his vocal participation was fro some reason or another expected -- the almost panicked thought of how to get out of the situation, when would he have stayed long enough as of not to be considered rude to leave, how much longer would he have to maintain the facade that was the calmness of his face.

his friends -- well, acquaintances really -- sometimes accused him of being ignorant, or nihilist, or even deliberately eccentric. they characterized him as shy, enigmatic, timid, mysterious, thoughtful, annoying -- depending very much on how they themselves happened to be feeling. and it always made F wonder why there were so many words in the world for someone like him, for someone who lacked them; and why did other people have such a need to define him through them. words didn't come to him so he didn't want to belong to them either;  he did not want to be something that was unable to cause any kind of reaction in him.

but in the end he was also very well aware that none of it mattered. it made no difference whether he was labelled as this instead of that, just as it didn't matter whether he was able to form and utter words to deliver his passing thought of some irrelevant issue. because it was only words, always only words; and words, as we know, have very little to do with what is real.




2012-08-27

first day of work

i remember always being excited on the first day of school. granted, as i got older the excitement had a twinge of sadness in it -- the start of a new semester also meant the end of summer and the fast approach of winter, something i have grown to resent more and more with every year that passes ever since i was about ten years old. but still, throughout grammar school, high school and university i was always more or less happy to go back.  i like having things to do, and thoroughly enjoy the feeling of change and some kind of development -- what better way to access this than attending an educational facility.

now as i am no longer in any kind of school, the autumn and the end of holidays has lost some of the excitement and special aura it held before. i'm not really going back to anything new, and the potential for development, even if still there on some level, is not of the same kind anymore; so what i am mostly left with is the inevitable fact that the summer is once again coming to its end and yet another dark, miserable and cold winter is a bit closer and here before i know it.

i do like autumn as a season; i love the slightly chilly, fresh mornings and the change of colours in the nature around me. i like the way the tone of the light changes, and how the air feels and smells different. i even enjoy the occasional rain and the greyness that comes along with it -- this of course only in moderation. once the nights start to get longer and the dawn pushes in a later hour i get to see the sunrise again, and i'm really looking forward to the foggy mornings as well, the mornings that make you feel like you are the only person in the world as you run through them. 

so perhaps it is these changes then that i now should be excited about; maybe it is this development of autumn i could focus on. although it must be said that there are such changes to be expected in the somewhat near future that getting through this autumn and the winter to follow will hopefully turn out easier than before; in the meantime, i guess, i should just make the best out of the current situation.

like always.




2012-08-25

back to normal

and so came to an end the lovely three and a half weeks in sicily. i am now back in helsinki, and as nice and relaxing as the trip as a whole was, it was nice to come back as well. the drop of about 20 degrees in the temperature feels, at least for now, like a welcomed change; so does the freshness of the air and the rational traffic. i am also happy to get back to my normal diet and certain other routines, and i have missed my yoga shala as well; so all in all, it's not entirely devastating that the holiday is over.

i was happy to run this morning in the familiar surroundings again, and the fact that i was able to do so around ten in the morning without getting a heat stroke was actually quite fantastic. don't get me wrong, i love warm weather, but i must say that sicily in august was, at times, too much for me -- just like extreme cold, extreme heat is unbearable, perhaps even more so than the coldness. for the first time in my life i experienced a climate where it actually gets so hot that you can't/ won't go outside; interesting as an experience but i would probably not choose to live in such a place.

so now it's back to normal. i do hope i will be able to maintain some of the relaxed mindset that came along with the sicilian holiday, or at least access it every now and then; as the autumn ahead appears to be quite full of things i reckon in some point a little bit of sicily inside my head will be more than needed.

to wrap it up, here's a link to my other blog where i have posted some pictures from the trip -- have a look if sceneries outside the realm of running are of interest to you: http://pctrs.blogspot.com/




2012-08-18

ripples

even if the overall experience of the sicilian holiday remains hassle-free, a few mishaps have still taken place. first one was what you could call a classic -- the bankruptcy of the airline that was supposed to fly us from palermo to rome.  no biggie, after a few days of figuring out the options new flights were arranged, even with a reasonable price, and as i am under the impression that i just might get the money back from the credit card company, no big losses in terms of money were suffered either.

the second one was a classic as well, at least for me -- i managed to catch a stomach bug or some kind of food poisoning like i do basically every time when i travel abroad for a longer periods of time. this unfortunate surprise left me throwing up my guts for a day or so; but now i feel somewhat recovered, even if today i still skipped the morning run due to relatively dehydrated state my body most likely is in.

the third might be the general difficulty in organizing some things that in finland (or basically everywhere else, it seems) would have been a child's play to do. this is partly because in august the whole sicily is more or less shut down; no surprise, then, that one the first sentences i have learnt in italian is chiuso per ferie, closed for the holiday. this has at times led to frustration followed by irritation, but on the other hand there really is not much to be done about it, so one can only accept and try to deal with it the best as possible.

there is less than a week left, and of course i can't help wondering where on earth the time went. suddenly the three and a half weeks have shrunk into a handful of days, and the reality of coming back to finland looms closer and closer in the event horizon. but i must say that it has been a great holiday so far, and i have no reason not to expect it to get even better as the countdown of the last few days soon starts. 



2012-08-12

what did you expect


it was amazing how quickly time lost all its previous significance.  G would have expected to feel frustration, boredom, perhaps mania followed by depression; would have assumed that his mind, formerly so solidly constructed on the cornerstones of schedules, appointments and deadlines would have crumbled and fell when these bearing structures were suddenly removed. he had expected a feeling of loss, of insignificance and even desperation, and had spent more nights than he cared to remember dreading these demons he himself had created.

but to his utter surprise none of his fears seemed to manifest themselves. he felt none of the things he had predicted, and not even one of the scenarios he had pictured in his head took place.  there wasn't a trace of the anxiety he had already resigned to, convinced that it would take over the second his new idleness would reach the conscious part of his mind. G was almost afraid to admit it to himself but he felt rather good -- gone were the insomnia that had plagued him as long as he was able to remember and the dull headaches that had been his companion for years. there were no signs of the occasional but still regularly appearing arrhythmia anymore, and no longer did he wake up with his jaw literally cramping after grinding his teeth together throughout the night.

he woke up in the mornings -- it didn't matter anymore which morning it was, so they all blended in together -- rested and calm; he ate his food in peace and thus avoided the constant stomach aches that usually had followed his hasty refueling sessions. he took a nap whenever he felt like it, or stayed up throughout the night if he so chose. sometimes he didn't leave the flat for days, sometimes he didn't come home for a week. it was like he would have been ripped away from the fabric of what had used to be his reality; like a button that is torn from a jacket he no longer served his old purpose but it didn't mean that he would have ceased to exist, as he had been afraid he would. time melted around him and streamed into a torrent in which he floated, uninterrupted and isolated from the rest of the world. 

and it did occur to him then that he had been wrong; that all his life leading up to this moment had been, if not a mistake, at least a misjudgment. everything he had thought himself to be and everything he had wanted -- now that none of those things seemed to matter anymore he couldn't help wondering if they ever indeed had. on one hand it didn't make a difference; but on the other, what if this current scenario was just  as fabricated and false as the previous one had been? what if he was lulled into something he in reality didn't want at all, what if there was something else, something better? even if his current existence felt somewhat more serene than the old one, it surely didn't mean that it was as good as it could get, now did it? how could he know if this wasn't just the lesser of two evils, how would he be able to tell if he wasn't wrong this time around as well?

at first the question posed itself only now and then; a minor ripple in the stillness of his being. but slowly, so slowly he didn't even realize it, it started to occupy more and more of his thoughts. the ripple grew into waves that grew into a tsunami; and just like that, as inevitably as a stone that is cast in water always reaches the bottom, the calm was gone. soon the question was all he was able to think of, day and night; and as he lay awake staring at the ceiling with his dry and hot eyes and his heavy breath hissing between his gritted teeth, the fact that time no longer mattered, no longer existed even, was more real than it ever had been.



2012-08-11

high as a kite


the earth moves. i move. the ground changes underneath my feet, every pace takes me forward towards something i yet have no knowledge of and the cool morning air feels soft on my skin. the narrow pathway leads me through the scenery full of savage beauty, crossing landscapes the like of which i have never seen before. this land is dry and the sun above it knows no mercy; but this earth under my feet is not barren and the life force radiating it gives me part of its strength.

i run up the hill and feel how my heart starts to beat faster, pressing blood and oxygen in my veins with an increasing pressure. the sun has risen above the peak of the hill behind me and i can feel its warming fingers on my back; a promise of yet another hot day is already tactile in the air. my feet hit the reddish, dusty ground with a steady, even pace, and i feel almost as if my every movement has been taken from me, automated and controlled by a power bigger than me. i could not stop this flow, this movement, this dizzying feel of being alive and on the move even if i wanted to; and it goes without saying that getting down from this high is the last thing i would ever want to happen right now.

the hill is now descending and i feel like i am flying. every footstep needs to be placed carefully, the pathway is beautiful but also deceiving; the small rocks, bumps and curves make sure that the runner is constantly aware of the surroundings. and as the geometry and choreography of my own movement fills my thoughts and i feel how my legs work, how the muscles respond to the signals sent by my brain and the cooperation of my mind and body takes me forward with an ease impossible to describe with words,  i am truly and genuinely unable to feel nothing but happiness.

and really, this feeling, it is something so remarkable and so unique; a feeling i cannot access in any other way than running. and every time i do i am reminded why i love this particular way of moving so much -- this high and this overpowering gratitude you feel because you are alive and you are healthy and your legs are good and strong and you are running.  in the end, it feels like this is what you were designed to do. 






2012-08-10

va bene


holiday continues very smoothly. i have come to notice that the sicilian existence is very different to the finnish one; one could almost say it's the exact opposite. the biggest difference however seems to be the concept of time, or rather the lack of it, as well as the complete uncertainty whether something that was possibly agreed yesterday is still valid today. it is quite interesting for me, as pedant and diligent as i sometimes tend to be, how here nothing really seems to matter all that much; commitments and schedules are not really something to be concerned about, and the overall attitude towards pretty much everything seems to be quite indifferent. this is not to say that people are rude, or unthoughtful; on the contrary, they are quite wonderful, friendly and helpful. it's just that the mentality is so very different, and i have to say that this particular one is quite a nice one to have when on a holiday. no stress, no fuss; everything is va bene

in terms of running my system seems to have somewhat adjusted to the heat and it does not feel so crushing anymore to run in it. i actually quite enjoy it now, especially as i have found a really nice and beautiful route crossing through a nature reservation area where i don't constantly have to be afraid of being driven over. that little pathway running next to a mountain (i don't know if that hill actually fills the definition of a mountain but anyway) overlooking the city and at the end of it, the sea, is indeed one of the most beautiful routes i have ran on in a while; there is such rugged beauty in the scenery that for someone so unused to this type of nature it really is a wonderful experience.

there is still two weeks left, and i would very much like to fit in a few trips outside the city in that time;  above all i'm keen on visiting catania and while there, mt. etna, and the village of corleone, which is only an hour away by car. other than that i don't have much ambitions; mainly keep enjoying myself, and in all honesty it doesn't seem like a very hard thing to do.











2012-08-04

first impressions


it is now the afternoon of the third full day in palermo. so far i'm liking it; the chaotic nature of the city is almost a complete opposite to helsinki. not to mention the climate -- for example today the forecast promises a temperature of over 40 degrees celsius and it is literally too hot to go outside in the few hours after noon. for a finnish person whose behaviour has been conditioned so that when the weather is good you go out, no matter what, this is at first somewhat perplexing; but one soon comes to realize that the weather can indeed be too good, so to say, and that the bliss provided by AC is something not to be frowned upon.

so as the temperatures are what they are, it comes without saying that running is possibly only in the early hours of the day (or in the late evening but that has never been my first choice). during these three days i have gone running around 8 am, but i'm beginning to think that this is at least an hour too late. i am on a holiday so i wouldn't necessarily want to be waking up at five every day, i get plenty of that at home, but on the other hand -- being on a holiday which lasts over a three weeks one doesn't necessarily need to fret about doing this and seeing that, so it is always possible to squeeze in a little afternoon nap. what can i say, suddenly in understand the concept of siesta very well.

like mentioned above palermo is somewhat chaotic, and this is especially true when it comes to traffic. green light for pedestrians only means that you might have a chance of getting over to road without being driven over -- emphasis being on the might. there are way too much cars and big roads for my taste, partly because the public transportation system seems to be somewhat inefficient and sporadic at best, and when i today made the mistake of running alongside some bigger traffic arteries i was actually able to taste the fumes in my mouth. so i'm still little bit figuring out where to run, but i'm sure it will be sorted sooner than later -- on my first run i already found a nature reservation area which provided not only a car-free environment but also much welcomed shade due to the trees, and yesterday morning running next to the sea and reaching a point i could imagine the end of the world looks like literally sent chills down my spine (while sweating like a pig under the blazing sun).

besides that, it is a great place -- the food is good, the coffee is amazing, the people are lovely --  so all in all so far so good, and i'm more than looking forward to the three lazy weeks ahead.