except i expect

i've been thinking about expectations quite a lot recently. the ones i put on myself, on others, and the ones that are put on me by other people. i'm not necessarily  talking about the kind of expectations that are associated with, say, your job, or keeping a promise; these are slightly different in nature and should probably be considered more as obligations and agreements than expectations. for me expectations, at least the kinds i have been thinking about lately, are more of the one-way type; given without negotiation. 

these kind of expectations are problematic, in a way, for it seems to me that they are the very reason for several kind of disagreements, disappointments and sadness. to avoid this i do try my very best in my daily life not to expect anything from other people; of course often i fail, miserably -- which may then cause the mentioned distress, sadness, frustration, even anger. it would be beneficial to recognize this and realize that the reason that made you upset was never really yours to create; that if you reflect your own needs, fears and whatnot to other people and they then fail to fill that space you want them to fill, how much of it is their fault and how much yours? they never asked for it, after all.

to expect something is to wait something to happen; in human relationships this can be fatal for if the interaction is based on something that isn't there but that should be, the possible  failure of that something to take place may turn out to be destructive.

take what you can from people; don't expect them to give you anything. appreciate their good sides and try to ignore the worse, and then only hope they can treat you accordingly.

your hand opens and closes
opens and closes.
if it were always a fist
or always stretched open
you would be paralysed.

- rumi

if the shoe doesn't fit, change it

i sometimes envy people who seem to have things figured out. they go on with their lives, content and secure about the choices they have made, not really wanting to change anything all that much. not questioning whether what they are doing is what they want to do, or where they are, both figuratively and literally, is where they want to be.


that kind of piece of mind has evaded me for quite a while. sometimes the feeling of being unsure about things is stronger and i get anxious, nervous and everything makes me feel cagey; sometimes it hides in the background and i am able to ignore it, at least to an extent. 


how many of the things we do in our daily lives and the choices we make we do because we think they are the ones we should, or are supposed to, make? how much does the general opinion of what is proper affect one's behavior? trying to fit in to a role set by someone else has to be one of the most consuming things there is for it is bound to fail -- either you don't fit in it and end up feeling like a failure, or you somehow manage and feel like shit because it was never really what you wanted.

"i hope you won't think me harsh when i say there is no significance at all.

we've had hope, we've had faith, faith in church, faith in politics, faith in leaders, 

faith in gurus.  because we've wanted to achieve a state of bliss, of happiness and 

so on. and hope has nourished this faith, and when one observes through history, 

through our life all that hope and faith have no meaning at all because what is

important is what we are, actually what we are - not what we think we are - or 

what we think we should be - but actually what is.  if we know how to look at 

what is - it will bring about a tremendous transformation"

jiddu krishnamurti when asked what significance is hope and faith to living, in 1966.

interestingly the above quote was sent to me by my partner in a very different context, some hours later than i had written and without him reading this post; it seemed coincidental enough for me to add it here.

happy place

one of the main reasons i like running is that it is so simple. put your shoes on and you're good to go; no schedules, no requirements for a specific place or equipment, no need for company -- no fuss.

it's a very good counterpart then for life in general, which more often than not is much more complicated. it gets tiring, every now and then; all the dances one must dance in order to get through just a normal, ordinary day. do this, do that, even if you don't necessarily want to. act like this in a situation like that, play that role in a place like this. be something else, or at least would you please bother trying. because that's what people do.

but when running, none of that really matters at all.

tune of the day

small things

it has been a truly wonderful november for me. there's one key word for this, and that word is warmth (relatively speaking of course -- i'm  not talking about portugal-kind of warmth but helsinki in november -kind.).

for let me make one thing clear -- i hate cold. absolutely, truly and utterly i detest low temperatures -- and if anyone tells me one more time that i should be used to it (if not even like it), i'm finnish after all, i cannot be held accountable for punching that person in the stomach.

i don't care if it's dark, if it rains, if it's gloomy and depressing and oh dear look at this climate change, winters just aren't what they used to be. i don't care, as long as it's not cold.

so far it hasn't been, and i'm so incredibly happy over this fact.

side stepping

this morning i didn't go running but instead did ashtanga yoga, something of almost as high value for me as running.


i say almost because there can be only one number one, and running has that spot; however, ashtanga has, especially during the past six months, gained more and more importance for me. i haven't been practicing it that long and am not very advanced, but still, even the relatively short time i have done it and the level i have reached during that time have given me a lot, both physically and mentally. 


i am not a spiritual person at all, but i still find certain serenity while practicing yoga -- some times more than others. i guess it is the physicality of the practice, and how i can absorb myself wholly into it; during yoga it sometimes feels i am almost able to block everything else out and just exist in that single moment. it is very refreshing, and very calming.


this morning, after the yoga, as i was getting dressed in the locker room it occurred to me that when i look at the past it always somehow seems so much more hassle free, so much easier; and yet i know that it necessarily wasn't so, as there are always conflicts and other negative things that make life sometimes heavy. but maybe it is so that after time passes the irrelevant ceases to exists, that your memory erases the things that weren't important at all; maybe the troubles and hardships i thought were so defining and genuine at the time never really mattered.


and if i can let go of that baggage with the help of time, perhaps i can learn to do it faster; perhaps i can even learn to do it before it becomes a part of my past.