morrrrning

i like mornings terribly much. you have the whole day ahead of you; anything can happen. not in an annoyingly over positive way but just generally speaking - you can have a great day, or a little bit less great, but you don't know yet. 

think about it. you can have a great day, the best one of your life so far - but in the evening it is behind you, and it's not going to happen again. at least not in the same way exactly; every day is a bit different. of course the experience and memory remain, but they are fixed - you can't change them any more, and as time passes memories fade. whereas in the morning literally everything is open, nothing has been decided or done yet - i like that as a starting point.

even if you end up doing nothing at all.

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and it is moments like these that keep me going; the pinpoints in time when i feel amazing, and pure, and i haven't a worry in the world. and yet they are nothing remarkable, these moments, nothing spectacular - in fact, if i were to describe why exactly they are so essential for me i probably would not be able to give any precise reasoning. 

but i can try; because i think these are moments of happiness, and i've been told that being happy is important.

it's a moment when everything feels all right in the world, and everything feels all right within your skin. a moment when you feel strong and light and full of the force that is life, and how could you not; you are, after all, using your body in the way it was meant to be used, and it's functioning and doing what you ask it to do. you run and run and run and your feet take you further and further, and the sun that is shining straight into your eyes seems to be winking at you. you run for hours and it is absolutely incredible, and if saying that aloud makes me seem a bit strange, well i don't really mind at all;  because once you experience the feeling you get from a good long run you really couldn't care less if someone finds it odd.

and i did say that it is difficult to put it into words.

it feels like there is a reserve, a pool of energy that you can access when you run, with each step you get a little bit closer; and the longer you run, the closer you get to it, and everything else fades into the background. things cease to matter so much, and you just keep on running; and eventually the access to that energy is stronger and more clear than you remember it ever being, and this is the bit that gets me every time. 

because every time it feels like the first time even if it's not, that amazing moment, and it makes you so grateful to be able to experience it.  this sense of uniqueness, i feel, is part of the attraction of these moments - you know it's a fleeting sensation, and after it's gone you can't quite remember the full details of it; but you do remember it was a good place to be.

round two

whatever it was that made me think i could do this, and whatever it was that made you think that it was OK to do the things you did and didn't do; whatever it was, and i know this now, it wasn't enough and it wasn't real.

maybe it was my inexperience, or maybe i was naive, or maybe it was my willingness to see only good in other people. maybe it was something else entirely, maybe -  and this is the hardest option for me to consider even though i still do - maybe there was no reason at all. maybe what happened was a mere twist of faith, a coincidence, two people at the wrong place at a completely wrong time. 

i really don't know, and frankly, my dear, in the end i really don't give a damn. because what happened, happened, and the effects it had on me took place no matter what the reason was. do you understand that? do you understand that i no longer exist outside the reality that you created for me, that there is no me outside the person you crafted me to be. do you see that? do you understand, really?

and if you do, how does it make you feel?

how does it feel to know that you have walked all over me? that your stampede of one has broken me like a fallen-out nestling breaks under the boot of a inattentive passer-by ; and now that i am telling you this, does it touch you in any way to know that the world we lived in, your world, was nothing but hell for me? i know you didn't do the things you did because you're evil, or because you would have deliberately wanted to be vicious; i know you are not a bad person. but i also know that you felt entitled all the way, that you never thought you were doing something wrong, and this is the part that puzzles me the most.

because how is it that your reality is so different from mine? how is it even possible that even though we speak the same language we are so unable to share any true view of reality? how is it that when you ask how i'm feeling you have already decided what the reply should be, and no matter what i say it is through that filter that my words reach your consciousness?

and i guess that is where the problem lies, in the end. i was guilty of the same misinterpretation when i heard a promise of change in your voice and saw a flicker of hope in the sharp line of your shoulder. i saw what i wanted to and heard what i needed to, and that left me deaf and blind for everything else. and i don't know, maybe i am now partial to something else, maybe there is now something else i choose not to acknowledge; but i know it is not you any more.

one two three four

one and a half week down in the us of a has brought about some notions. first of all, i quite like not having to have to do anything; it is still very new place for me to be in, and i can't say that i would have got entirely accustomed to it. it all feels like a holiday, which i guess it is - a transitional phase before moving into paris and eventually having to have to figure out the course things will be taking. but so far i very much enjoy doing nothing as well as doing random things, like going to an odd, enormous flea market or driving around in a golf cart.

secondly, the states is a very different creature when compared to finland or even europe in general. of course i knew this, and i haven't seen even a fraction of what this country has in store, but already i can say that the difference is quite substantial. the way people behave, the built environment, the size of food portions (and size of many other things as well), the sheer amount of everything  - these are but a few examples. north america seems, based on my very limited experience so far, to be a loud and proud country with a lot of internal variety and diversity; and i must say i am very keen to see more of it. 

third, for example today i started my day with a 10km run followed by an ashtanga practice - and i absolutely love the fact that i can do this if i want to. i love waking up at dawn and going for a run, not because i have to get up early for work but because i am rested enough. and as i have absolutely nowhere to go, well, if i want to run a bit longer or practice yoga - i can. i've been learning some golf as well, and that has been great too - another thing i simply wouldn't have had the time (not to mention the possibility) before.

but the fourth thing is, and this is what i at the moment appreciate the most, is as simple as the magnificent feeling of not being tired all the bloody time.

and that's just incredible.

to those who wait

the thought was there, C recognized its existence somewhere in the back of his head. it swirled and spiralled, tickled the sensitive skin behind his ears and flickered in the corner of his eye; but whenever he turned to look, or tried to grasp the tail of the evasive dragonfly of a thought, there was nothing there and his fingers met only air.

it didn't exactly bother him; how could it have done so when he didn't even know what the thought was about? only thing C knew for sure was that it was there, and that it had been there for quite a while, and this made him suspect that it was of substantial kind. sometimes, though, he grew irritated over his own incapability to tackle the thought and so every now and then he chose to ignore it and overrode it with his daily musings and tasks and everything that was his life. this always worked for a while, but as surely as he was able to silence the acknowledgement of the thought as surely it eventually popped back up again; and there was no denying of the fact that every time it did, it had a little bit more weight and it was just a hint harder to push it back down again, and that the time it stayed silenced grew shorter every time.

this slowly but surely quickening pace made C a little bit uneasy. this was mainly because he suspected that once properly named, the thought would push him into a direction he hadn't taken before, and in all honestly C wasn't entirely sure if this was what he wanted. he didn't even know if the thought was justified or proper, or where it had came from; had it been planted on him by someone or something, or had it been with him always - only so weak he hadn't paid attention to it? either way, as the the presence of the thought strengthened with every day that passed, C understood that there was no way for him to escape or deny the thought from emerging. 

and that the only thing for him left to do was to review his life choices so far, weigh them and question them; so that when the thought would inevitably come, he would understand its context and meaning, and would know its consequences, and would be able to adjust his own self accordingly. so he studied himself, and time passed, and he learnt a lot; and not all that he learnt was good or pleasing but C understood that in order for the thought to arrive, this self-examination had to be done.

and then, when the thought finally did come, when the dragonfly ceased its long flight and landed in front of his eyes in all its beauty and colour and grace - that's when C finally saw it. and as he looked at the thought he knew it could have not arrived any sooner, and it could have not arrived a second later.

never know

it's my third day here in florida, and even if i am still in a somewhat transitional phase things feel rather fine overall. the last week in finland was pretty intense with all the packing and cleaning and organizing things and leaving farewells and all that; added to that the two long days of travel, first to paris and from there to orlando with an added bonus of almost missing the connecting flight in newark due to the delay in the first flight and my boyfriend almost passing out in the border control because of food poisoning - well, let's just say that i am quite content with just relaxing right now.

and what better place to do it really, we are staying at the in-laws in a what sounds (and quite frankly, is) like a somewhat strange place - an age-restricted community. my friend mentioned recently that florida is the stop before death given the large amount of pensioners you have around here, but i do see why they flock here and in this place in particular; the weather is lovely, there are palm trees and golf courses and everything is extremely clean and pretty and well-maintained. it does feel rather odd every now and then, having almost every person you come across with being 60 and over on those neverending streets of an US suburbia with the flags in the poles and all - but then again, there is everything you need here, and i can perfectly well see why people of that age would want to live here.

but like i said it is very relaxing, and in terms of running it's great too. before i came i was slightly nervous about it as i've heard the horror stories of non-existent pavements and excess of traffic and so on, but it is pretty calm here and about half of the vehicular traffic is actually done with golf carts, so i am more than fine. i like the openness of the landscape (well, golf courses) and the quirky detail of greeting every pedestrian you come across (there isn't that many to be honest).

i sleep well and already feel rested; but the fact that this kind of life where i don't have a fixed schedule is not for two weeks or a month or the length of a holiday at all but instead for quite a while ahead - that hasn't entirely sunk in yet. i am trying to let go of the pressure to do things constantly, and i think i am managing quite well at the moment - we will see how it goes once this new pace of life has gone on a bit longer. will i go mad? will i start climbing on walls once i have done away my sleep deprivation and properly refueled my energy levels? hard to say, but i am taking this all as a sort of an social experiment - i am in a situation in my life i have never been before in a place i haven't even been able to imagine - i would think there might be something to learn from this all.

golf, if nothing else.

tough choice

my last run in finland

my first run in florida

enough said.