except i expect

i've been thinking about expectations quite a lot recently. the ones i put on myself, on others, and the ones that are put on me by other people. i'm not necessarily  talking about the kind of expectations that are associated with, say, your job, or keeping a promise; these are slightly different in nature and should probably be considered more as obligations and agreements than expectations. for me expectations, at least the kinds i have been thinking about lately, are more of the one-way type; given without negotiation. 

these kind of expectations are problematic, in a way, for it seems to me that they are the very reason for several kind of disagreements, disappointments and sadness. to avoid this i do try my very best in my daily life not to expect anything from other people; of course often i fail, miserably -- which may then cause the mentioned distress, sadness, frustration, even anger. it would be beneficial to recognize this and realize that the reason that made you upset was never really yours to create; that if you reflect your own needs, fears and whatnot to other people and they then fail to fill that space you want them to fill, how much of it is their fault and how much yours? they never asked for it, after all.

to expect something is to wait something to happen; in human relationships this can be fatal for if the interaction is based on something that isn't there but that should be, the possible  failure of that something to take place may turn out to be destructive.

take what you can from people; don't expect them to give you anything. appreciate their good sides and try to ignore the worse, and then only hope they can treat you accordingly.

your hand opens and closes
opens and closes.
if it were always a fist
or always stretched open
you would be paralysed.

- rumi

if the shoe doesn't fit, change it

i sometimes envy people who seem to have things figured out. they go on with their lives, content and secure about the choices they have made, not really wanting to change anything all that much. not questioning whether what they are doing is what they want to do, or where they are, both figuratively and literally, is where they want to be.


that kind of piece of mind has evaded me for quite a while. sometimes the feeling of being unsure about things is stronger and i get anxious, nervous and everything makes me feel cagey; sometimes it hides in the background and i am able to ignore it, at least to an extent. 


how many of the things we do in our daily lives and the choices we make we do because we think they are the ones we should, or are supposed to, make? how much does the general opinion of what is proper affect one's behavior? trying to fit in to a role set by someone else has to be one of the most consuming things there is for it is bound to fail -- either you don't fit in it and end up feeling like a failure, or you somehow manage and feel like shit because it was never really what you wanted.

"i hope you won't think me harsh when i say there is no significance at all.

we've had hope, we've had faith, faith in church, faith in politics, faith in leaders, 

faith in gurus.  because we've wanted to achieve a state of bliss, of happiness and 

so on. and hope has nourished this faith, and when one observes through history, 

through our life all that hope and faith have no meaning at all because what is

important is what we are, actually what we are - not what we think we are - or 

what we think we should be - but actually what is.  if we know how to look at 

what is - it will bring about a tremendous transformation"

jiddu krishnamurti when asked what significance is hope and faith to living, in 1966.

interestingly the above quote was sent to me by my partner in a very different context, some hours later than i had written and without him reading this post; it seemed coincidental enough for me to add it here.

happy place

one of the main reasons i like running is that it is so simple. put your shoes on and you're good to go; no schedules, no requirements for a specific place or equipment, no need for company -- no fuss.

it's a very good counterpart then for life in general, which more often than not is much more complicated. it gets tiring, every now and then; all the dances one must dance in order to get through just a normal, ordinary day. do this, do that, even if you don't necessarily want to. act like this in a situation like that, play that role in a place like this. be something else, or at least would you please bother trying. because that's what people do.

but when running, none of that really matters at all.

tune of the day

small things

it has been a truly wonderful november for me. there's one key word for this, and that word is warmth (relatively speaking of course -- i'm  not talking about portugal-kind of warmth but helsinki in november -kind.).

for let me make one thing clear -- i hate cold. absolutely, truly and utterly i detest low temperatures -- and if anyone tells me one more time that i should be used to it (if not even like it), i'm finnish after all, i cannot be held accountable for punching that person in the stomach.

i don't care if it's dark, if it rains, if it's gloomy and depressing and oh dear look at this climate change, winters just aren't what they used to be. i don't care, as long as it's not cold.

so far it hasn't been, and i'm so incredibly happy over this fact.

side stepping

this morning i didn't go running but instead did ashtanga yoga, something of almost as high value for me as running.


i say almost because there can be only one number one, and running has that spot; however, ashtanga has, especially during the past six months, gained more and more importance for me. i haven't been practicing it that long and am not very advanced, but still, even the relatively short time i have done it and the level i have reached during that time have given me a lot, both physically and mentally. 


i am not a spiritual person at all, but i still find certain serenity while practicing yoga -- some times more than others. i guess it is the physicality of the practice, and how i can absorb myself wholly into it; during yoga it sometimes feels i am almost able to block everything else out and just exist in that single moment. it is very refreshing, and very calming.


this morning, after the yoga, as i was getting dressed in the locker room it occurred to me that when i look at the past it always somehow seems so much more hassle free, so much easier; and yet i know that it necessarily wasn't so, as there are always conflicts and other negative things that make life sometimes heavy. but maybe it is so that after time passes the irrelevant ceases to exists, that your memory erases the things that weren't important at all; maybe the troubles and hardships i thought were so defining and genuine at the time never really mattered.


and if i can let go of that baggage with the help of time, perhaps i can learn to do it faster; perhaps i can even learn to do it before it becomes a part of my past.

so many me

it's funny how different running can feel, depending on the circumstances. 


weather is obviously a big factor in this equation; it is, generally speaking, more fun to run when the weather is good. i don't mind rain so much, unless it is the torrential kind which blocks visibility and threatens the functionality of my iphone (well actually, now that i think about it, that kind of rain can be a blast as well -- after a while you are so wet none of it really makes a difference anymore and you can just splash your way through the biggest of puddles and the cars that pass by throwing water on you don't make you annoyed anymore), but wind is something i'm not a huge fan of. my normal running routes are by the sea, so you can imagine at times it can be rather tedious if the air happens to be on the move -- running all you can and still it somehow seems you are barely making it forward. other than that i'm quite mellow when it comes to the combination of weather and running, but of course -- the better the weather, the nicer the run.


but the there are obviously a massive amount of other things affecting the experience i get. the tiredness level of my muscles for example; although, to this day the correlation between the amount of exercise/ rest and the fatigue of my muscles continues to evade me. i've had magnificent, light and easy runs after weeks of vigorous exercise and very little rest as well as days when i feel like a war elephant after a lighter or resting day. but, no  matter what the reason, if  legs are heavy they are heavy and you will feel it, and it will take more effort and it will affect the way you feel.


then of course there are the matters of the head, as in if i have something on my mind it sometimes transfers itself into a baggage i have to carry as i run; however it must be said that running is for me, as i would imagine to a bunch of other people as well, a very good way of releasing the clutter and unwinding any troubles there may be. granted, if the problem is real and not just stress or anxiety or something alike, it might be waiting on the door once the run is complete, but at least for a while it is possible to leave it behind.


this mood set works, of course, both ways -- if i run when i'm feeling particularly happy or content about something, well, it is just pure ecstasy all over. i don't think i need to go very much deeper in here.


so i can be, depending on the different variations, almost a completely different person when running on different days. this is obviously always the case; one is affected by things and the current state of mind is molded accordingly. what makes this interesting in relation to running is that it is easier for me to analyze it; i am, after all, in a situation which is very familiar to me -- running in a certain time of day, on a certain route, in certain conditions i have experienced many, many times before-- so if i choose (i always don't) i can detach myself from that actual moment and focus on how i feel and where does it possibly come from. what felt like a superman on speed one day can feel like a hungover hippo the next; the reason is not always in the extra miles you did yesterday.


but what's really great about it is this: no matter how you feel when you are running it always feels pretty good anyway afterwards.

find five mistakes

due to the persistent pains in my feet i finally went to see a specialist in order to find out if the cause of them is something more severe than just overdoing things. after detailed examinations and a few x-rays it turns out that i do have a stress fracture in my left foot, as well as visible signs of an old and already healed one.


i was close to devastated to hear this. stress fracture! weeks of not running? do i really have to go to that damn gym now every day for spinning? what else is there -- swimming? well that's not exercise, not with the level of efficiency i'm able to do it. maybe i can run with just one foot, has anyone ever tried that? all this and more went through my head in the instant following the information delivered to me by the doctor.




but behold-- the fracture the x-rays showed is nowhere near the spot that has been bothering me, so it turns out that it is probably either an old one which hasn't ossified properly, or then that little bone just happens to have been in two parts since the day i was born. either way, the happiest news of the week -- at this moment the x-rays don't show anything which would have mean i have to stop running.


in the limits the pain allows, said the doctor, and if things get worse then it is obviously a different matter, but for now i'm good to go.


whew.

pros and cons

i came to think of the good and bad sides of running. obviously the majority of the things i have gained and experienced and continue doing so through moving my feet are positive -- to name but a few, i have a guaranteed and cheap way to keep my head straight(er), i am in a good physical condition which makes life overall much easier, i have seen a bunch of interesting things and places i would have not seen otherwise -- this applies especially to running when travelling to new locations --, my endurance and ability to focus have improved (outside the act of running itself as well) and, perhaps above all, running long distances has given to me such knowledge about my body and mind and how they work  i doubt i would have even the faintest clue about had i not started running. 

and the bad sides?

obviously they must be there as well. but now, as i'm writing this, they are much more difficult to come up with, and when i do, i immediately find a way to justify and lessen them -- not surprising, someone might say. 

but let's see -- for me, the worst thing to come along is the pain i at times feel. i'm not talking about the mild muscle pain that one might experience after a 30km run or even the blisters  under your toe nails after a marathon; these are great (the blisters not so much but you get the point). i mean the kind of pain that prevents you from running, at times even from walking properly; the pain you get when there is something broken or seriously agitated in you. this pain is not a negative issue because of the pain itself, of course, but because of the outcome of it  -- an anxious, frustrated and easily annoyed human being thanks to the deprivation from running and the excruciating knowledge you brought about it on yourself. other forms of exercise exist, naturally, but it is always the next best thing; anyone who shares my passion for running knows exactly what i mean.

so the worst side of running is not being able to run? i'm sure that makes sense on some level.

mind games

it takes a certain type of personality to be able to enjoy running. i know people who run because they have some agenda, whether it be to lose weight, stay in shape or something alike-- to put it short, they run because it's something you do--  but they don't particularly enjoy it, or even like it.

i understand why somebody doesn't like to run for fun -- god forbid if i were forced to go to an aerobic class or play ice-hockey (or pretty much any team sport for that matter). running it is, after all, a very solitary, dull and repetitive form of exercise, and like i mentioned above it certainly is not meant for everybody. especially when it comes to long-distance running the type of your personality comes into play -- i know there are people who have willed themselves to train and run a marathon, for example, but how boring and awful must that have been, to try and motivate yourself for quite a lengthy period of time to do something you don't really like all that much -- on your free time above all things.

i do sometimes think i'm slightly autistic or somehow simple-minded to find such joy from the seemingly very uninteresting activity, to the point that i actually do rather get up at 5.30 am on a cold november morning after a not-so-good night's sleep in order to go out and run -- not because i wish my ass to get smaller but because i want to go; because i prefer to. because i like it.

i think i am truly fortunate.

thoughts

"I'm often asked what I think about as I run. Usually the people who ask this have never run long distances themselves. I always ponder the question. What exactly do I think about when I'm running? I don't have a clue.
On cold days I guess I think a little about how cold it is. And about the heat on hot days. When I'm sad I think a little about sadness. When I'm happy I think a little about happiness. As I mentioned before, random memories come to me too. And occasionally, hardly ever, really, I get an idea to use in a novel. But really as I run, I don't think much of anything worth mentioning."


Haruki Murakami: What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, p.16-17

fall from grace

i enjoy the solitude and desolateness that comes along with running in a such ungodly hour as i do. it's a whole different world out there at that time, to an extent that if i occasionally run in the afternoon in the same surroundings it feels altogether a different place.

there is unquestionable beauty in the silence and calmness of early mornings. i am grateful for being able to experience it; many people never do, at least willingly. you experience the shift in seasons so vividly by venturing out in the mornings - what only some months ago was bright and warm is now dark and gloomy and cold; and the path i ran in august is now impossible to take because of the lack of light. 

you sense the changes in the air surrounding you- temperature, humidity, strength of wind - how it feels on your skin and in your lungs. you see how the trees that not long ago were lush and green are now starting to lose their dry, yellow leaves - like rotting flesh coming off from the bones of a dead animal.

i detest winter, but the switch to it from summer always has the same, undefined sad beauty in it.

W.H Auden - Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves, 

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

pain is weakness leaving the body

after running regularly for over 10 years i am no stranger to different kind of pains and injuries. most of the damages done to my legs and feet have been due to overdoing things - i have a tendency for this - and i know how it feels to hurt in almost every part of your legs from hip to toes. as a whole though i haven´t had that much troubles - i guess this is partly because i am relatively small in physical size. if a man of 100kgs would have ran the amount i have, i reckon problems might have been bigger in quantity and scale. 


after running that ten years like most of us do, with padded sneakers and a proper heel-strike, i switched my technique completely about a year ago from heel-strike to striking with the balls of my feet.  this is closer to the way the human feet is designed to be used when running; the shock impact caused by the landing is much smaller when striking with the ball of feet than with heel as the foot acts like a spring, lessening the impact. it of course requires time and patience, to re-calibrate your muscles and movement patterns you have spent your entire (running) life learning, and to strengthen the small muscles and joints in your feet which have got lazy in the padded shoes.


during summer i also made a switch in my running shoes, dropping all else and using only minimalistic shoes, more specifically  vibram fivefingers. it is truly a magnificent feeling to run with them, feeling the ground through the thin soles; this, however, hasn't come without some problems. my feet have needed - and still do -  time to adjust to this new way of running, and i have been forced to cut done my weekly kilometers. this has required patience i haven't always had, and pushing my feet too much has every now and then caused pain due to over stressing them. 


it is unbelievably frustrating not to be able to run as much as i would want to, especially now when it has become so enjoyable again that i actually await in the evening for the morning to come so i can go running. so i am forced to think whether or not i should cut back using the vibrams a bit and use the regular sneakers every  now and then - maybe running what i now consider wrong is still better than not running enough.